The Subtle Art of not Giving a Fock

 Nearly a month ago I was scrolling down my Facebook feed and saw an attractive advertisement. Real Man Self Growth Challenge. I drank Snakes blood, if I'm going to do a Self-Growth Challenge, it's got to be for a Real Man. Haha. 

I clicked and it led me to a quiz asking about the areas I want to improve on, how much I want to read, and how serious I am about improving myself. After following their process, they delivered a 28 day self-growth plan that provides 15-20 page summaries of books and recommendations of actions I can take. I am now in the final week and have 5 days left. 

Tonight I just read the summary of the Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fock by Mark Manson. This title always caught my attention so I've been curious to read it. I need to buy the book next. But he makes some good alternative points compared to a lot of the other synopses I've been reading. He doesn't follow the standard positivity mantra and instead encourages you to really focus on what you actually care about. Then focus on that, and forget everything else. 

It made me think about how much time I've spent over the last 4 years reading, agonizing over all the last administration's policies. How little of an effect I can have, and how it isn't even helpful for my own well-being. I felt anger and frustration which I haven't felt in a long time. I believe I aged much quicker over the last 4 years. One of my sisters doesn't pay attention to politics at all and I don't really see it hurt her or cause any problems, just whenever you try to talk those topics with her it doesn't go anywhere....but is that really a bad thing? My small background in journalism and education always taught me it was important to stay up to date on current events...but maybe I can tone it down a little.

There's been many times in the past where I'll think too much into a person's actions or inactions, what they said vs. what they didn't say. Soon enough I'm spending too much of my time and energy somewhere it shouldn't be. This summary helped put this cycle into perspective. Why do I care? Should I care? Is it going to make me a better person in caring about this? Or, in the end, is it not going to have any long-term impact in my life? If not, then why waste my time and energy?

I chatted with my brother recently about watching the show Ozark and how Buddy has such confidence and just doesn't give a crap, that he skinny dips in front of a young family without any care in the world. How liberating that must be to do something like that and Just, Not, Care. Now, I'm not saying we should all go skinny dipping in front of families, far from it. But maybe, we all could lighten up a bit and spend less time caring about things that don't matter and instead focus on the things that do matter. 

That's my lesson for today. My overall goal is to take the tidbits from each book and write them down into my Excel file and then at the end of this program I'll review those main pieces and prioritize the ones I want to put into practice. Some of them I have already put into practice and I have to say I feel better, feel happier doing this, spending time reading and writing again. This is something that's been missing from my life and it's great to have it back. 

Here's my dog, Thida, laying down, not giving a Fock. She's great at it. :)

If I Moved Abroad Again in my Early 20s, This is What I Would Have Done Differently

 For very long I felt bombarded by messages such as:

"Travel while you're still young!"

"Life's too short, travel now!"

"Travel while you're young and able. Don't worry about the money, just make it work. Experience is far more valuable than money will ever be."

"Dare to live the life you've always wanted."

After graduating from University, I knew I wanted to go live abroad. I spent the next year saving money to travel and developed my plan for moving abroad. I studied and got my TEFL so I could find a job teaching English. 

In August 2011, I quit my job, sold my car, put my belongings into storage and moved to Vietnam. At the age of 24 I was half way around the world alone, without any friends or contacts in the country I would then call home for the next two years. I lucked out and got a teaching job my 2nd day in the country. The things I did well in living abroad are:

1. Focused on getting employment ASAP - this helps provide some stability as well as regular income

2. Ventured outside of my comfort zone and socialized with people I never knew.

3. Learned to ride a motorbike which allowed me to learn the city much better than riding taxis or motorbike taxis. 

4. Purposely got lost on a motorbike - as long as you have a decent sense of direction, you should be able to find your way back. Once I was comfortable on the motorbike, I just drove on random streets without looking at any map and spent about an hour going random directions. Eventually I found my way back and after that I knew the city so much better.

5. Studied a beginner level of the language prior to arrival, this helps build better relationships with the locals and helps you understand the history & culture you see every day

6. Consistently tried all the new foods I could, granted this led to some sickness as well, but everything isn't rosy!

7. Scheduled regular Zoom/Skype/Facetime calls with family. This is so key to stability and I cannot emphasize how important this was for me, especially at times when you are homesick.

8. Read about the stages of Culture shock and recognize which stage you are in. Be ready to go in and out of different stages. 

9. Try new social activities and find a regular one you enjoy. Whether its sports, art, a book club, find something you enjoy doing and you're bound to make good friends there and quickly expand your social group

10. Purposely make friends with the local people, they will teach you what their culture is like and make your experience much brighter. Don't move half way around the world to only hang out with your own country-women/men.

This is what I would have done differently:

1. Before leaving, I had a 401K with my former employer, the money sat in the account and didn't grow much at all. I wish I moved it to an IRA. Luckily in July of last year my brother helped me do this. Already it has grown 25% which is more than I can say from the 401K I used to have. If I had done this before, then I would also have been more motivated to also transfer the money back to the account and regularly deposit into the account. This is one of the key things I wish I had done. 

My brother kept telling me for years to do it, but I don't know why I didn't listen and follow his advice. When you're young, you feel invincible and nothing will ever happen to you. If you're reading this now and you are 18 or in your 20s, open an IRA account!!! It doesn't matter how small your amount of savings is, just put money in it monthly, even if it's $50/month, just save and it will grow for you. 

2. Before leaving your home country I suggest you write down clear goals about why you are going to live abroad. Keep that paper in a place you will remember and go back and review it every 6 months or 1 year, it will help remind you why you are abroad. This helps when things get challenging and reminds you of whether your actions each day are helping you achieve those goals.

3. Regularly Zoom/Skype/Facetime with your close friends back home. Just call them, I've always found it easier to call them and then arrange a time when you're both available. Scheduling via text is hit & miss. Do this at least once a year if not more. I didn't do this at least until I was 2 years in, if I did it earlier, it would have made the transition much easier.

4. Don't put yourself in a long-term relationship at this age, wait until you are in your late 20s or 30s. Enjoy this time and have fun! You never know who you will meet and where life will take you.

5. Keep a blog and consistently write in it. You'll have so many stories you'll want to remember. The best sure-fire way to remember them is to write them down. Even if you forget, you still have a written trace.

Those are what I would have done different if I were to do it again at that age. The funny thing is, the strategies I first mentioned, are things I'm going to need to do again when we move to California. They are good strategies whether you are living abroad or just living life normally. Get out of your comfort zone, meet new people, and you never know what will happen! 

Here's a funny sugar packet: Low chemical for Better Health! Thankfully it's low in chemicals....haha!

Rich Dad Poor Dad

 Have you read Robert Kiyosaki's book Rich Dad Poor Dad? It's a good book and an eye-opener for me in terms of financial education. I remember being 10 years old and hearing my older brother Daniel and Father talking about the book and being surprised about a house not being considered an asset. I didn't read it until last year, I wish I read it when I was younger. I likely would have taken many different decisions with my money in the past. All I can do though is change what I do today and for the future.

3 years ago Mai and I invested in my Father-in-Law's Cashew Nut farm. I'm happy we did invest as this year is the first big harvest. We actually got to see the nuts we invested in. 3 years ago we also discussed during this year we could also invest more into the farm. Today Mai and I debated whether we should do it since we are moving back and I don't currently have a job, it would be risky for us to invest the money. Our discussion was left at a standstill until we could talk with her Father about our options for the payment.

Then just now I was reading part of Rich Dad Poor Dad and he makes some bold points that stand out:

-Instead of thinking "I can't afford it," ask yourself, "How can I afford it?"

-Most people struggle financially because they play not to lose instead of not to win.

-Focus on building your asset columns

-The rich manage risk, the poor fear risk.

After reading these it makes me second guess my initial response to the idea of investing into the farm again and makes instead think that no matter what happens, if we invest the money into the farm, when we get to SD, I'll find a way to be able to afford it. Having that added pressure can make me work faster and be more motivated to get employment. 

Moving Back to San Diego

34 days from now Mai and I will be boarding our plane with our lives in a few bags to our new destination which is my quê, ស្រុកកំណើត, hometown. A Whale's Vagina as some may call it. ;)

By the time we leave it will be nearly 10 years since the time I left. Looking at who I was back then and who I am now, quite a few changes occurred. I learned to step out of my comfort zone numerous times and became more social than before. But it's not static, it remains a challenge, naturally as an introvert I dread most times I hear we are going to meet a lot of new people, at least the last few years it's been like that. Which ironically, was one of the reasons why I came out here, to challenge myself to meet new people, try new things, and to build more courage and confidence in myself. In some ways I have exceeded in this and done much more than I ever thought possible. Speaking to audiences of more than 100 people, meeting 20-30 new people on a regular basis for 3-4 years during the Golden times of Dodgeball, and becoming a Leader at the NGO.

I feel I have regressed during the last two years. Maybe I got too comfortable. The spark and excitement of meeting new people seemed to have left me socially. For work that was ok, but socially, I stuck to what was most comfortable aside from Dodgeball, but that didn't really count anymore as I was more focused on organizing, playing, and making calls when needed rather than connecting with people. Perhaps that was also one of the reasons for Dodgeball to deteriorate as much as it did. Thankfully, recently with the news that we would be moving back, and with the support of a new friend who is looking for a community like Dodgeball, that spark returned. It's a good boost that will certainly need to continue as we transition to San Diego.

It's funny, when I first came to Phnom Penh in 2007 with my sister, Becky, and her boyfriend, Chris, we took a bus from Siem Reap. We arrived in the middle of the city and 20-30 tuk tuk drivers were screaming for our business, we were the only foreigners on that bus. Chris just pointed to one of them and said You! ....The crowd vanished and then we got on his tuk tuk and he took us to our hotel along the riverside. When we arrived, the tuk-tuk driver invited us to his home for dinner. Chris and I thought it sounded like a great idea, a good way to experience what life is really like in Phnom Penh. Becky, being out here longer than us at the time, yelled "No Way! That's how bad things happen! Are you crazy?" We stayed at our hotel that night.

Looking back on it, would I have dinner with that guy today?

Over the years I've shared a number of beers with tuk tuk drivers and never had any issues, I've been lucky that the large majority of locals I've met and hung out with have all had good intentions and never meant any harm.

One funny story was in Banteay Meanchey. I wanted to go out there to see the Banteay Chhmar Wat. It was an absolutely beautiful carving, the fan of hands was incredibly impressive. Unfortunately many of the blocks were knocked down from the war. But the best carving thankfully was still intact.

At night time I returned to my hotel, only 1 of 2 in the town back then. It was 5 story tall building, a giant for SereySisophon in 2009. I sat outside in the front of the hotel to observe the happenings of this small town. A driver for a battery company started talking to me, seemed just like a normal friendly Cambodian guy. We chatted for a bit then I decided it was time to go upstairs, shower, and change. As I walked up the stairs, I felt like someone was following me. I opened my door and as I am shutting it that guy I was just talking to invited himself into my room. Shocked and surprised, but I didn't think he was bad, just got the wrong message, I told him No No No. And he left my room.

After changing I went outside the hotel to go find a place to eat. The group of Tuk tuk and motorbike drivers were in the front of the building and all bargained for my business. They also asked for me to get some beer for us to drink. I figured it's a sleepy town, this is in front of my guesthouse, it should be safe. So I went with one of the drivers, got a case of beer and some bug snacks. We proceeded to drink out in front of the hotel, they told me about how much money they make a month, how few customers they get, truly felt bad for these guys and the lack of opportunities they had. Figured at least we can have a fun time together tonight and so that's what we did. Then one of the drivers said he wanted to show me around town, he drove me to the park and he wanted me to go talk to the Ktoeys (Ladyboys). It was a dare to see if I would actually do it. With my beer-infused confidence I decided to show them I'm not afraid. I went and spoke with the ladyboys, they were nice, and weren't mean or anything, didn't try to steal or rob from me like you hear other stories. Then one of them sat closer to me and that's when I decided it was time to leave. I walked back to the Tuk Tuk and he laughed and appreciated that I took up the challenge. We came back to the hotel, drank more beers, played cards, and called it a night.

Overall, I've actually met more shady foreigners here than I have locals, but that's also been in the main touristy areas. It's the same story as any city, don't go down dark roads late at night by yourself, don't hang out with shifty people and you'll be fine. Look forward to going back to San Diego, seeing old friends and making new ones. It's time to get out and about when we get there (barring covid restrictions of course).

The Proposal

It's 2017 and I've decided it's time for me to pop the question to my girlfriend. We've been together for 3 years, we're happy, in love, and ready to take our relationship to the next step. 

Now, for the proposal, I don't want it to be on top of a mountain or for it to be at a nice beach. I mean I love the beach and the mountains, but I want the proposal to be unique to our relationship. So I come up with a plan...

I'm going to propose to her at the 4th Annual Phnom Penh Dodgeball Tournament, because, you know, there's nothing more romantic than throwing balls as hard as you can at each other, right? Haha! No it's because she helped inspire me to start Phnom Penh Dodgeball and she's been the anchor to it all, helping with decision-making, running dodgeball, and all of our designs, among many others. It's been a big part of our lives and also a source of arguments as well, but Dodgeball has been the one thing keeping us consistent with friends and exercise throughout all of these years. Countless friendships and relationships have come out of dodgeball and I wanted to share our love with everyone, plus, she'll never guess I'll propose on the Dodgeball court! 

Thankfully the Dodgeball community is a great group of people whom I am able to rely on to make this a surprise. It's March 18, 2017, Tournament day. We arrive some minutes late to Premium Sports Club, we forgot the Tournament Banner but it's too late to go back across town for it. Everything else is prepared already. We play in the tournament, and as always, we don't win the Tournament, but we had a great time. Our team, Victorious Secret, I think had one of the best Uniforms and Catwalks of the history of Phnom Penh Dodgeball. Laughed the whole time. It's time for us to award the Champions, Game of Throws, their Trophies and Medals. We do the Winner's ceremony and it seems like the Tournament is over....

Then we have a surprise. Mai (soon-to-be-fiance) is called over while I go get the ring from Jonathan's girlfriend Sien (now wife). Our friends Thy, Phaline, Tash, Gio, Raksmey and Jordan, help hold a sign that says "Hey Mai! Don't dodge this!" and Vanny throws a ball at her, which she dodges. I come out from the crowd, get down on one knee and ask her to be my wife. Surprised, in disbelief, hot, and sweaty from the tournament, Mai says Yes, and I bring the ring to her finger, I bobble the ring, but my Dodgeball skills saved me as I catch it and then put it on her finger :) 

3rd Tournament Photo 2017

 

Victorious Secret Team

I'm Back!

Next month will mark 4 years of living abroad and 2 years in Cambodia. Soon enough another year will go by. This past year has been a year of ups and downs but I've learned a lot this past year. I've learned you no longer have to put yourself in a relationship just because of someone else's expectations and that nobody is responsible for anyone else (aside if you have children of course). This year I went through the end of a long-term relationship and I'm happy to say it was the right choice. It forced me to get out and to challenge myself in ways I otherwise never would have. I managed to start a new recreational sport here in Phnom Penh, Dodgeball. Today marks our 1 year anniversary.

I wrote the paragraph above on July 22, 2015. Today is March 14, 2021.

I didn't finish the post, today I am back to finish it, nearly six years later.

It will take too long to write out 6 years of life's challenges and learnings in a short blog post. Therefore, I'll give a summary of my life's events since I wrote that paragraph.

Phnom Penh Dodgeball has ran for nearly 7 years now, and before the latest Covid-19 outbreak, we had 30 players coming weekly. The group has had it's ups and downs, but mostly ups. In the year 2020, when we could play, many times we paid out of our own pocket to keep it going as there were less players. Strangely enough, I used to always post in the Expat Facebook Groups about dodgeball every week and we still would only get maybe 1 new player a month. Out of decreasing motivation, increased busyness from my work, Dodgeball seemed like it was going to fade out. 

Then, early this year, I decided to give it one more push as my wife and I will be moving to California in less than six weeks! (More on that later). After I posted, the first night had nearly 20 new people come, I couldn't believe the turn out! The following weeks continued with more new players and some returning new players. It seems to be forming into a community again, and then 4 foreigners bribed a security guard to escape their quarantine and they spread covid-19 throughout Phnom Penh and the provinces....

We created a Messenger group now, so I hope that this will help keep the group more active and that it will continue to grow when we can throw balls at each other again ;) 

I got married! Well, technically engaged according to legal paperwork. My wife/fiance, and I applied for the K-1 visa, and she passed on December 31, 2020! It was an early Birthday present for her (she's a New Years Baby). It was a great way to end off 2020 and to welcome 2021. If anyone has questions about the application process, feel free to ask. We didn't hire any lawyers and did it all by ourselves. We saved thousands of dollars from what I've researched and were successful without any hiccups. 

As I noticed most people's attention spans are short, I'm going to keep this post brief and will continue to write other posts to make it better organized and easier to digest. Happy to be back here and can't wait to share more about what has happened with you!

Halloween Dodgeball 2020