Now, I know I owe a post about my Tet vacation which was 2 weeks in Cambodia, I'll get to that. But lately I've had something a bit more pressing on my mind.
The last month I've been constantly searching and reevaluating. Trying to remind myself why I am here and questioning my initial intentions for coming and whether those reasons remain valid. I cannot say I have found an answer, but I am working on it. I began making goals, in different sections, 5 years, 1 year, monthly, weekly, and daily. Since Monday, when I created my list of goals, I have reviewed my list each day. Though it's only been a few days, I am feeling much more motivated to complete my daily routine. I picked up a second job teaching 2-3 classes for 1.5 hours to 2.25 hours a night. If I work about 18-20 hours extra per month then I can pay for my rent, utilities, water, and internet. That's only an extra 5 hours of work per week. So far I've been meeting that over the last two weeks and I hope that continues. Also, I've been recommitted to the gym. It's taken me about 6 months, but I feel like I am finally getting a better hang of things and can control my spending better than before. Every day I've been writing every expenditure and the amount down (reciepts here are obselete for the most part). Beginning next week I will allot myself a set amount of money to spend on everything for the week. I've taken 4 weeks of data to devise what number should be a reasonable goal.
So, for finances and my workload, I feel like I am at a good place with that. However, my productivity still remains stagnant for outside of work and the gym. My Vietnamese is still at the treacherous level it's been at since the beginning. My Khmer has progressed, but much slower as of late. I've been lazy, not writing down new words when I speak with Sophea. This is the section I am struggling over. Khmer or Vietnamese, or try to do both. But before I can make that decision I believe I need to make a committed effort to at least one. I know I have motivation to learn Khmer, but for Vietnamese, its been impeded since arrival. Prearrival I told myself I would learn Vietnamese out of respect for the country since I would be residing in it. It seems only fair. However, from my experiences with people here, I've consistently chosen to not take advantage of language learning opportunities. There have been times where I've told myself, "I never want to hear this language again once I leave here." There have also been times when I've thought, "It doesn't sound too bad after all." And there have been the very few instances when I've understood a few things people have said and this almost gives me the motivation to study again. There isn't much better motivation than to overhear a conversation and understand at least some of it, you feel in the know. I had one of these recently and it's got me to think more about what I'm doing here with language study. I know I can learn it if I try hard enough. It's just I've had a number of inconsiderate interactions with people here that it's made me think I don't really want to get know the people here on a deeper level.
I know Vietnam and Cambodia are two different countries, two different ethnicities, two very different languages and cultures, but to me I just consistently make comparisons between the two. I consistently find that Cambodians in general are so much friendlier and generous. Not that all Vietnamese are not friendly or generous, but it seems you have to gain a greater trust with them, it takes time. For the Khmer, I feel like they just have beaming curiosity and are ready and willing to spend an entire day just to get to know you. A number of people have asked me if this is because of the war and so forth. However, I always deny this because Cambodia had a genocide, each country has had many lost lives, and yes, while the "enemy" in the Khmer Rouge was not entirely from a foreign entity, the U.S. still did bomb Cambodia and I don't see the same inherent distrust from Khmer people that Vietnamese seem to have toward foreigners. Even when I was in college, when I expressed an interest in attending a meeting of the Vietnamese Student Association, I was met with distaste and hesitance. The guy who said he'd email me, never did. Meanwhile the Berkeley Cambodian Student Association took me under their wing and welcomed me almost as their own.
The part that has bothered me is I don't understand why my negative interactions with Vietnamese people is the reason why I'm choosing not to learn the language. I've also had a fair share of positive interactions, however, the negative ones are the ones that pop in my mind first.
So here I am, still in this gray area searching for motivation to do this.
