Permanence or Impermanence? Which one is it? While in the past I've subscribed to the Buddhist belief that everything is impermanent, I've recently become afraid of this concept. I feel like every time I have newfound friendships, girlfriends, or interests, they always seem to thin out. This is due to a number of reasons beyond my control, distance, geography, the job market, and my changing/growing mind. I'm sure there are more factors, but I just have this strange feeling where I wish there was something concrete. Something that could hold me down, give me some sort of grounding. I've never felt at home in San Diego, I've felt that it's familiar, but as far as a sense of belonging, that has not been a feeling that's encompassed my emotions or thoughts. Friends, I've had my fair share of fantastic friends, my only wish is that things could go back to the way they used to be. The nostalgia of playing tackle football on fridays after school, the baseball games in high school, the beer pong competitions, drinking binges, playing BANG! with my Berkeley people, all of these I'm afraid to say are in the past. I wish it wasn't this way, of looking back on these and reimagining them, I wish I was experiencing them again. Over and over again as I miss them constantly. This whole being grown up thing consistently makes me think more and more about moving to the next step as far relationships go which is rather scary. It seems as though my heart is stretching out for some vague hope of something permanent for the sake of being reliable. Not because of how it should be, but because of the desire in feeling something that's permanent. Before, I used to think I accepted this concept of impermanence and I used it as a crutch to keep myself from getting too close. It was/is always the greatest excuse for rationalizing why things aren't the way they used to be. To explain why a relationship wouldn't work out. To get through those difficult times of sadness in realizing things will no longer be the same.
Tonight I met with my Berkeley friends which we've done about twice since graduation. This means I've seen the friends who I saw for two years straight, only twice in 10 months. I can't express the mind-fuck (sorry for the profanity but this is the best description) it was to become so close with these friends who showed and taught me mountains of lessons I otherwise would have taken decades to learn or never learned at all. Then it all of a sudden vanished, my closest friends, BAM! gone. Yes, I know, every college grad must go through this. Or I'd assume so at the least, but I can't help the need for writing out these bottled up thoughts. The bottle has been ready to burst. Tonight, there were times where I had difficulty in being in the moment, the present, I just wanted to freeze time and stay there. I wanted to explain to my friends how gravely I miss our late night food runs, studying in the library, getting boba, playing BANG!, practicing the culture show, meeting for BCSA, and so many more. I tried to open the seal of this container, but when I did it was hit by a brick wall, I believe it was her brick wall that I've kept up too, the one to keep us protected. At that moment I knew I couldn't press it any longer, but I did anyway to see if it had any affect. It didn't and after a few minutes of trying to see if one person felt the same need to express this, I had to close the seal back up. Vacuum sealed, tight, no oxygen can escape.
Driving home took half the time it took on the way up to Long Beach. On the way home I listened to the same playlist I listened to every time I went to see the Karen family in Oakland. Music ceases to amaze how it can change my mood and how it can cross paths of time, space, and people. The memories brought up were full of people I missed, loved, and one I came to despise. It was cold in the car, but not as cold as it was on the #1 bus from International & High st. at 11pm. The thoughts of the readings and papers that needed to be done when I get home didn't surface. Instead it was flashbacks and thoughts of how much sleep I will get.
Although this is a very melancholy post, I have to admit I had a great time seeing my friends tonight. Being around them I know I can be myself and don't need to worry about those around me. I know I can make jokes in English and Khmer. I know the type of humor, I know I can and will laugh frequently to a subtle sarcasm and to eccentric movements, words, and thoughts.
Upon arrival to Long Beach I was the first one there. After 2 seconds of parking I hear laughter, spurts of Khmer, and tones expressing a joking matter which only Cambodians I've heard utter. Instantaneously I have this odd sense of belonging, of being at home. It was almost indescribable. Suddenly I looked at Long Beach in a different light, that I could easily see myself living there at some point in my life. As far as when is unclear, but it certainly felt right.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Past, Present, and Future
Today I log in to my email accounts and turn to the calmail.berkeley.edu site. Only to find that, I no longer have access to this email account. I knew it was coming, the last month I've been telling myself to send an email out to all of my contacts and let them know they need to contact me through a different email account. I procrastinated, it was the most procrastination I've ever done. I waited beyond the deadline. I knew the date was around the 10th, but apparently it was the 9th. Why I've been holding onto this last piece of connection to my beloved alma mater, well, many reasons. While it has now been 10 months since graduation, the cold rainy days in San Diego always bring me daydreaming back to Berkeley. Where I enjoyed the rain and appreciated the harshness of the cold while I consistently wore jeans and the same Cal jacket practically every day. It was indeed, the only jacket I had, unless I wanted to bring my snowboarding jacket from SD, but that would be over doing it. We San Diegans, don't have much use for jackets.
Realizing Berkeley is in the past has been rather difficult to implant into my encephalon. Instead of trying to make new associations and trying to break away from my past to make sense of my present and future, I use my past (Berkeley) to make up for my current feeling of discontent with my occupational accomplishments. Graduating in 2010 was one of the worst times anyone could have ever graduated along with 2009 as the U.S. economy hit the recession deeply. Adding to this, the desire to work for a nonprofit, economically made things difficult. I did find employment though, thanks to a friend who was already employed there. It is a place of employment I likely never would have applied to work for as it works with a population whom I never found an interest. Additionally, knowing that the wage I would earn would be much less than the wage I earned before I was accepted into Berkeley made it more of an undesirable position to apply for. Sure enough, the population I wanted to work with, refugees, required workers with 5 plus years of work experience and/or graduate degrees and/or knowledge of Burmese, Karen, Arabic, and so forth...All things of which I do not yet attain. Therefore, seeing my bank account dwindling to a frightening minimum and the job prospects not looking in any direction but down, I went for it and got it. Being there for 9 months has shown its ups and downs. Currently I am applying for a different position within the same organization and have a very strong chance of acquiring it. The interview was yesterday and it went very well.
The last few weeks I've been reading a blog I found of a person I've come to admire. He moved to Hanoi, Vietnam, in May 2009 and plans on staying until the Spring of 2012. He has continuously studied Vietnamese and creates blog posts that are historically, culturally, socially, and environmentally descriptive, interesting, and compelling. See: http://hanoiscratchpad.blogspot.com/ One of the last few posts I read of his was about enjoying the present. This is something I've certainly had trouble with as of late. I continuously look at maps of Cambodia and Vietnam, read about their histories, cultures, languages etc. The daydreaming, dreams, and images that pop up are constantly surrounded by these two countries. It's difficult for me not to do these things as I feel like a school boy getting the answer to a question right and receiving a piece of candy. The excitement for my eventual sojourn in Vietnam mounts day by day. Consequently my ability to appreciate the weather, flowers, and scenery of San Diego lessens continuously. Finding balance is the mantra I need to live by. Balance after all, proves to be the best way to handle things in life. I hiked black mountain last week and vowed to myself I'd make it a regular occurring exercise of mine. I skipped this week, adding to the imbalance and current state of turmoil in my mind regarding my life. I now have 4 hours until my Vietnamese language class and have yet to complete the homework and many of the chores I meant to do yesterday on my day off. Yesterday I played, today, I work.
Realizing Berkeley is in the past has been rather difficult to implant into my encephalon. Instead of trying to make new associations and trying to break away from my past to make sense of my present and future, I use my past (Berkeley) to make up for my current feeling of discontent with my occupational accomplishments. Graduating in 2010 was one of the worst times anyone could have ever graduated along with 2009 as the U.S. economy hit the recession deeply. Adding to this, the desire to work for a nonprofit, economically made things difficult. I did find employment though, thanks to a friend who was already employed there. It is a place of employment I likely never would have applied to work for as it works with a population whom I never found an interest. Additionally, knowing that the wage I would earn would be much less than the wage I earned before I was accepted into Berkeley made it more of an undesirable position to apply for. Sure enough, the population I wanted to work with, refugees, required workers with 5 plus years of work experience and/or graduate degrees and/or knowledge of Burmese, Karen, Arabic, and so forth...All things of which I do not yet attain. Therefore, seeing my bank account dwindling to a frightening minimum and the job prospects not looking in any direction but down, I went for it and got it. Being there for 9 months has shown its ups and downs. Currently I am applying for a different position within the same organization and have a very strong chance of acquiring it. The interview was yesterday and it went very well.
The last few weeks I've been reading a blog I found of a person I've come to admire. He moved to Hanoi, Vietnam, in May 2009 and plans on staying until the Spring of 2012. He has continuously studied Vietnamese and creates blog posts that are historically, culturally, socially, and environmentally descriptive, interesting, and compelling. See: http://hanoiscratchpad.blogspot.com/ One of the last few posts I read of his was about enjoying the present. This is something I've certainly had trouble with as of late. I continuously look at maps of Cambodia and Vietnam, read about their histories, cultures, languages etc. The daydreaming, dreams, and images that pop up are constantly surrounded by these two countries. It's difficult for me not to do these things as I feel like a school boy getting the answer to a question right and receiving a piece of candy. The excitement for my eventual sojourn in Vietnam mounts day by day. Consequently my ability to appreciate the weather, flowers, and scenery of San Diego lessens continuously. Finding balance is the mantra I need to live by. Balance after all, proves to be the best way to handle things in life. I hiked black mountain last week and vowed to myself I'd make it a regular occurring exercise of mine. I skipped this week, adding to the imbalance and current state of turmoil in my mind regarding my life. I now have 4 hours until my Vietnamese language class and have yet to complete the homework and many of the chores I meant to do yesterday on my day off. Yesterday I played, today, I work.
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