Permanence or Impermanence? Which one is it? While in the past I've subscribed to the Buddhist belief that everything is impermanent, I've recently become afraid of this concept. I feel like every time I have newfound friendships, girlfriends, or interests, they always seem to thin out. This is due to a number of reasons beyond my control, distance, geography, the job market, and my changing/growing mind. I'm sure there are more factors, but I just have this strange feeling where I wish there was something concrete. Something that could hold me down, give me some sort of grounding. I've never felt at home in San Diego, I've felt that it's familiar, but as far as a sense of belonging, that has not been a feeling that's encompassed my emotions or thoughts. Friends, I've had my fair share of fantastic friends, my only wish is that things could go back to the way they used to be. The nostalgia of playing tackle football on fridays after school, the baseball games in high school, the beer pong competitions, drinking binges, playing BANG! with my Berkeley people, all of these I'm afraid to say are in the past. I wish it wasn't this way, of looking back on these and reimagining them, I wish I was experiencing them again. Over and over again as I miss them constantly. This whole being grown up thing consistently makes me think more and more about moving to the next step as far relationships go which is rather scary. It seems as though my heart is stretching out for some vague hope of something permanent for the sake of being reliable. Not because of how it should be, but because of the desire in feeling something that's permanent. Before, I used to think I accepted this concept of impermanence and I used it as a crutch to keep myself from getting too close. It was/is always the greatest excuse for rationalizing why things aren't the way they used to be. To explain why a relationship wouldn't work out. To get through those difficult times of sadness in realizing things will no longer be the same.
Tonight I met with my Berkeley friends which we've done about twice since graduation. This means I've seen the friends who I saw for two years straight, only twice in 10 months. I can't express the mind-fuck (sorry for the profanity but this is the best description) it was to become so close with these friends who showed and taught me mountains of lessons I otherwise would have taken decades to learn or never learned at all. Then it all of a sudden vanished, my closest friends, BAM! gone. Yes, I know, every college grad must go through this. Or I'd assume so at the least, but I can't help the need for writing out these bottled up thoughts. The bottle has been ready to burst. Tonight, there were times where I had difficulty in being in the moment, the present, I just wanted to freeze time and stay there. I wanted to explain to my friends how gravely I miss our late night food runs, studying in the library, getting boba, playing BANG!, practicing the culture show, meeting for BCSA, and so many more. I tried to open the seal of this container, but when I did it was hit by a brick wall, I believe it was her brick wall that I've kept up too, the one to keep us protected. At that moment I knew I couldn't press it any longer, but I did anyway to see if it had any affect. It didn't and after a few minutes of trying to see if one person felt the same need to express this, I had to close the seal back up. Vacuum sealed, tight, no oxygen can escape.
Driving home took half the time it took on the way up to Long Beach. On the way home I listened to the same playlist I listened to every time I went to see the Karen family in Oakland. Music ceases to amaze how it can change my mood and how it can cross paths of time, space, and people. The memories brought up were full of people I missed, loved, and one I came to despise. It was cold in the car, but not as cold as it was on the #1 bus from International & High st. at 11pm. The thoughts of the readings and papers that needed to be done when I get home didn't surface. Instead it was flashbacks and thoughts of how much sleep I will get.
Although this is a very melancholy post, I have to admit I had a great time seeing my friends tonight. Being around them I know I can be myself and don't need to worry about those around me. I know I can make jokes in English and Khmer. I know the type of humor, I know I can and will laugh frequently to a subtle sarcasm and to eccentric movements, words, and thoughts.
Upon arrival to Long Beach I was the first one there. After 2 seconds of parking I hear laughter, spurts of Khmer, and tones expressing a joking matter which only Cambodians I've heard utter. Instantaneously I have this odd sense of belonging, of being at home. It was almost indescribable. Suddenly I looked at Long Beach in a different light, that I could easily see myself living there at some point in my life. As far as when is unclear, but it certainly felt right.
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