There also are the genuine, good waitresses who will serve you and that’s it, or if you attempt to speak Vietnamese they will happily assist in teaching you the language for a short time. These are the ones that are worth the time spent and money spent for that over-priced dinner. They won’t ask for a drink and they won’t sit with you for a long time and make you feel wrong because everyone around you is thinking you’re going to take them home for the night and that night only.
The privilege this is, as most people see it, is more of a nuisance than anything to me. Today I grabbed a sandwich and decided to eat it in the park. I wanted to enjoy the sandwich and get some fresh air in this urban sprawl of tall buildings and moto fumes. I sit down and not a second before I can relax I’m approached by a Vietnamese guy who wants to practice his English. I don’t mind and agree to have him sit next to me. We begin talking and at first he seems like a good guy as he says he’s studied Spanish, Japanese, and English. He tells me how he studied all of these languages so he could get a good job and make a lot of money. Everything for the money. I tell him how I studied Spanish and Khmer. Surprised at my Khmer, he thinks I’ve wasted an investment in my language study because I studied Khmer. Apparently I was supposed to study Chinese so I could find a job with a rich business, become a director and be rich. Honestly, I break it down for him, that’s not my intention and I do indeed see my studying of Khmer as an investment in my future. Sure, it may not be entirely for maximizing my economic aspirations, but rather for the experience and for finding a job that I truly hope to enjoy. He seems confused why this American guy who can have anything he wants back at home simply doesn’t want it. He changes subjects to his view of American relationships. His sources of information are other Vietnamese people, television, internet, and other foreigners here in Saigon. He asks questions such as, how does an American husband get away with cheating on his wife every weekend? How are American women single at 35? Does he have a chance with a foreign woman here? Why do they not like it when he stares at them if he thinks they’re beautiful? Can you tell me about your experience in flirting with women? How can I study, work, and have a relationship with a woman? If a woman doesn’t spend all of her time with me and doesn’t ask me where I’m going when I’m not with her, how does she know I’m not cheating on her?
To answer all of these, I had to point to his sources of information and point to the fact that not everyone’s life is the way he sees it. Not every husband in America cheats on his wife, and I think (and hope) that is a very small minority. I tell him he has a chance with a foreign woman if he tries, you never truly know until you put it to the test. I tell him women are single at 35 because they either don’t want to get married or have yet to find the right man. I also inform him of being discreet with his staring, limit it to a few glances. I tell him I have no experience of flirting with women as I’m dying to get out of this ludicrous situation. My view on a positive relationship is that if I want to go out with friends for a night or two, or just need time to study, the girlfriend should be willing to understand and ask a few questions if she wishes, regarding my plans for the night but that she should not continuously bother me while I’m with my friends. This demands a level of trust that he sees allows too much freedom for people to cheat on each other. Soon after he tells me of the jealousy he has of White Men, how we can go out with a woman for a night and that’s it. He wants this, he wants the lustful experience of just one night. Specifically, he wants an older woman, but ALL Vietnamese women are married at this age and so the only way that would be possible is if they cheated on their husbands. This would take months of flirting at the workplace and he cannot foresee such strenuous and tedious work to take place. Luckily I receive a phone call from my friend Dung pronounced “Yom” and he wants to meet so I can practice driving my moto. I inform Dao, my hour long English conversation guy, that it’s time to go.
Now yes, I agree, being a white man in Vietnam is certainly one of privilege. Monetarily wise everything is about 10 times cheaper than it is back at home. However, I do not for one second forget to supplement that I worked damn hard to get over here. Secondly, yes, it’s easy for a white man to have the company of a Vietnamese woman or to even find a girlfriend. This is where the problem lies I believe for this guy, minus his lustful desires. I asked him if it pisses him off when he sees white men with Vietnamese women. He of course said yes. Then we began to talk about how some people like to date certain types of people. Such as a friend of mine who prefers to only date Latinos. He gave me a hypothetical situation of a rich Vietnamese woman who only dates white men and expected me to explain why. My only justification was that it was a preference of hers, just that she finds them more attractive. I’m sure there could be other reasons that I am choosing not to delve into to avert animosity amongst readers. However, I turned it back to him, that say for example, there’s a really attractive Vietnamese girl but she will only date Vietnamese men, not a white man. This one made him think for a bit and I continued to explain how this possibility is one he may not see as often because every time he sees a Vietnamese couple together he won’t think anything of it, but if he sees a White and Vietnamese couple, then, this gets his attention. In the end, we were simply discussing relationships which always comes down to the individual choice I believe, along with certain encouragements of family members.
It probably is easier for me to get a Vietnamese girlfriend here if I wanted one. However, that is not why I’m here. Yes, the white skin affords particular assumptions of wealth, occupation, status, and opportunity. At the same time it breeds a growing discomfort, irritability, and mistrust amongst the people I meet. Take it as you please, but being offered massa, boom boom, and other vices are not what I look forward to at night.
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